Day 10

April 6, 2010

Today the nurses moved us into one of the family rooms in the NICU for privacy and so that we can be in the same room with him all night long.  Joshua is appearing to become sicker to me as I noticed his dusky pail skin coloring today and just listening and watching the nurses suction more and more thick junk out of his chest.  There are even concerns that his heart is getting sicker as today his heart rate has been dropping suddenly almost in half for brief periods and then going back up to normal.  His oxygen requirement has been much higher today as well.  For the past while, his O2 has been at 26% to 40% and today there was a period that he was as high as 80% with big fluctuations.  I don’t know if it really means anything but I am worried about him.  At this point, we have moved into a family room so family and friends can come and visit him in private.  We do not know what to do from this point as picking a day and time to withdraw support is too hard to think about.  I hope that God will give us direction in this because this is just the most heart breaking situation.  I hope that we get better news somewhere as I am still quizzing the doctors and collecting data on every possible scenario but it just isn’t looking good for him.  I’m worried about his condition at this point (not that I wasn’t before given the mountain of issues he has had for a while, it’s a different worry) and I am not sure if he would make it through the first surgery anyway.  We are taking baby steps to preparing to let him go if that is what the right thing is.

A lot of you have been calling, texting, sending me emails and leaving comments on this blog giving us encouragement and both Kelli and I thank you very much.  Your prayers have helped us get through some insanely hard times already and have gotten us here to this point where we have been given the gift of 10 days with little Joshua.  I am sorry if I haven’t called or written back to the comments and emails but we are trying to spend as much time with Joshua as we can and often don’t have the time or sometimes the capacity to return the messages.  We thank you very much for the kind, very thoughtful words and they mean a lot to us.

We have been able to hold and cuddle him for several days and since we now are in the family room, we are able to hold him for as long as we want and be comfortable and in privacy.  That has been awesome and something no one can take away from us.  We know that this time is a precious gift from God since no one was expecting him to survive birth.  We have gotten lots of pictures and videos of this moment and Joshua, no matter how long he is here, is a part of our family forever and has profoundly affected both Kelli and me for a lifetime.

We will be in the family room for as long as it takes to know what to do and when the right time has come.  Please keep up all the prayers.  We thank everyone for the support and prayers.  It is amazing how many people have come together to help us so that we can just stay at the hospital and be with Joshua.  We thank everyone for their support.

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10 Responses to “Day 10”

  1. Pamela Hamilton said

    My heart just breaks for little Joshua and all that you are going through. I am so happy, though, that you have decided to give it up to God. You at least have all these precious moments to cherish with him and let him know how much you love him. If and when God takes him, know that he will be with his ‘Father’ and he will be eternally loved, happy, and healthy. He will watch over you forever and be your little guardian angle. I pray for God to give you peace in your hearts. Love, Pam

  2. Candice Hunt said

    I have been reading Joshua’s blog everyday, you have a fighter and a true little angel! Prayers are said every day for the lil man!! You will know when the right time to let go, I pray for you both to have strength to get through this…. Joshua might just surprise us all 🙂 cherish every moment with him……..

    Prayers,
    Candice Hunt
    CHERUBS MOM

  3. John D. Beal said

    Jeff & Kelli
    We are Carol and John Beal, who have been friends of Tom & Betty Loftus for many years and they have kept us updated on Joshua.

    We Pray daily for Joshua and our hearts go out to you and your family at this time.

    We pray that God will help you in your decisions with Joshua as he reaches out with his healing hands for Joshua, You and your family.

    God Bless.

  4. Brandee Glover said

    I have been keeping up with your blog, I am praying for you Kelli and little Joshua! He is a little fighter! Hold on to every moment you have with him!

    Brandee Glover
    CHERUBS Mom

  5. Everyone at HMCG said

    Just know you are in our prayers and thought’s everyday. You both are amazing parents! I dont know how or what to tell you, but one thing I do know is I have to lift you up and leave you in Gods hands. God Bless you both! Jeanette

  6. christy adkins (from cherubs) said

    Reading your blog is one of the first things I do everyday. My heart breaks for you and your wife. It sounds like your faith in God is holding you together so keep your faith and follow where He leads you. You have been given such a gift to have Joshua these past days. You seem like a strong man and a loving father and husband. You should have peace that you have done everything possible for your little boy.

  7. Kristy said

    I just don’t know what to say. Can’t find words to say anything profound or helpful. Your in my and my husbands thoughts. Sending you love and hugs.

    Brian and Kristy

  8. Lisa Sylvester said

    Jeff, you are doing the right thing. You are a great father, always putting Joshua first and thinking of how this will affect him and help him. God will let you and Kelly know when the time comes to take Joshua off the machines. He will just let you know. Meanwhile, hold your little guy. He wants to feel his momma’s arms and hear his dad’s voice. This is his comfort and security. God gave him the right parents. Love and prayers,
    Lisa

  9. nicolle said

    I am glad that you are cherishing the time you have with him! We did, but were also focused on getting him better not wanting to realize he wouldn’t make it, thus we have very few pictures of our little guy… I am glad that you have your own room now. Your energies are focused on Joshua and I believe that everyone who is supporting you understands that! Have you made castings of his hands and feet? Thinking of your family!

  10. Candice Summers said

    Have kept up with Joshua’s progress via the blog and family here in Albuquerque. My heart goes out to you guys. I really admire you. Joshua obviously get his spunk and strong will from his great parents. You have done well for him. God bless as you struggle to try to do the best thing. Will keep praying.

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