Joshua is in Critical Condition

April 10, 2010

We got a call from the NICU this morning at about 10am and they told us that Joshua had a really bad night.  We got in by 11am and they told us that they are extremely concerned about how he is doing.  His blood gases were very bad.  PCO2 was at 93, PO2 at 19, Ph 7.06.  The nurse had him turned up close to 90% O2 at one point as well.  To combat this, the Respiratory Therapist turned the vent settings up, particularly the delta P to 21 (delta P is the pressure they are putting into his lungs with units cm h20).  These settings are very uncomfortable for everyone including Joshua as it is causing him irreversible damage to his lungs.  The doctors also did an X-Ray of his lungs and they are very blotchy with very little clarity.  Since the vent changes, his blood gases are doing better but his sats are all over the place and the nurse is having to turn him up and down quite a bit.  His lungs seem to be deteriorating.

It is because of Joshua that Kelli and I have decided to take him off life support some time tomorrow.  I feel like we have crossed over the line of doing things TO Joshua not FOR Joshua.  He is also letting us know that he is ready and we would rather have him pass away in our arms than alone on uncomfortable machines.  This breaks my heart but we know that this is the right thing and we feel that Joshua is telling us he is ready.  The UNM Cardiologist talked with Dr. Crombleholme at Cincinnati and he stated that no surgery would be performed for at least 4-6 weeks because of Joshua’s prematurity.  Joshua has been deteriorating slowly over the past few days, as I have noted in previous entries, and last night he backtracked a great deal.  I am still waiting for Cincinnati’s official opinion but like I was stating in the previous blog entry, their opinion is heavily weighted on a theoretical principal.  There is no telling where Joshua is truly at but he would have to go through 2 major surgeries and then be reevaluated according to Cincinnati.  Given his current condition, there is no way any surgeon would perform surgery because of his critical Condition.

So we have reached a crossing point with Joshua.  Kelli and I don’t want Joshua to suffer.  He is suffering even right now and if he went through surgery for the bowel, he would be suffering a great deal more.  He is showing us that although he was stable for about 10 days, he is still a very critically ill baby.  He is fragile and to be honest, I don’t think he would have made it through anyway just looking at him.  I don’t even know what to say except for everyone to pray for us.  Call us if you would like to visit since the NICU is allowing it.

We love Joshua very much and we don’t want to let go but we realize that we also don’t want Joshua to suffer.  We feel like we are doing things TO Joshua not FOR him at this point.  He is a tough little dude and has been fighting for every breath giving Kelli and I some to spend with him.  I know he knows who we are because of his reactions when we are around and especially holding him.  I’m sorry buddy!  I wish I could take your spot on the little bed and endure all of your pain and suffering!  Daddy loves you so much that words cannot express!

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30 Responses to “Joshua is in Critical Condition”

  1. As a father who has been through similar circumstances with 2 children, my heart goes out to you.
    I’ll be praying for Joshua and your family.
    Stay strong.

  2. Blanca Gleason said

    I wish I had the words to say Jeff. The tears are just flowing down my face as I read this. God has wrapped that sweet little boy in his fatherly arms and held him this whole time. When he passes from your arms he will be with his true father in heaven and will feel no more pain. We love you all so much and our prayers will remain to be with you all throughout the today and especially tomorrow.
    Love always,
    Blanca and Hans

  3. Kristy said

    I am SO SO sorry! I can’t even find words to say to you. Our hearts hurt for you and we are thinking of you all.
    Sending you lots of virtual love and hugs…

    Brian and Kristy

  4. Tracy Meats said

    Praying for all of you and precious Joshua…hold onto him and love him. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Tracy

  5. Nicolle said

    Many thoughts and prayers are with Joshua, you, Kelly and your family.

  6. Shelly Moore said

    Alicia & I are so sad to hear of this new development. We are keeping your family in our prayers at this most difficult time.

  7. Ron and Sally said

    Our love and prayers are with you, Kelli, and dear little Joshua. May the Lord give His peace and comfort for this most difficult and heartbreaking moment in your lives. He is near and He is faithful. May Joshua know the nearness of God as He cares for Him and holds him safely in His mighty everlasting arms.

  8. Ron and Sally said

    Our love and prayers are with you and Joshua. May you know the comfort and peace of God in this most difficult and heartbreaking time. God is sufficient and He is faithful. May Joshua know God’s comforting presence and the safety of God’s everlasting arms of love as He carries Him home.

  9. Denise and Jason Frame said

    Jeff and Kelli,

    As with everyone in our prison ministry as well as inmates are all asking for our prayers on Joshua’s behalf to be heard and answered in order that you can be granted peace. While in the hospital you were all very inspiring. Joshua’s story has been traveling at least the small town South of Albuquerque here in Socorro his life is touching all of ours. Call if you need or want anything (575)517-0700.

    Sincerely, Denise and Jason Frame

  10. CWeaver5485 said

    My prayers are with you and Joshua ~ You are amazing parents and Joshua is quite a gift~ I ask that God give you the strength to get through this most difficult time in your life.

  11. Joshua is in my every prayer as is your family. Thoughts and love to you and Kelli.

  12. Cris McLaughlin said

    Dear Jeff and Kelli,

    I realize you don’t know me, but I have been praying for you all since Mary made me aware of Joshua when you started the blog. I hope I am not intruding where I don’t belong. But I am compelled to offer, what I pray to be, some words of encouragement.

    I pray you are comforted knowing that your decision is clearly one of love and compassion for your son, and one that is requiring much courage and faith. It is completely selfless.

    I see you as David, passionately praying and doing all possible for his infant son, but then resting his son in the loving arms of our Lord when the inevitable happened. It seems in your case, as in his, God in His grace and mercy took the decision out of your hands as you sought Him, by making Joshua’s condition clear.

    2 Samuel 12:22-23 “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, `Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

    You all will remain in my prayers in the days ahead as I trust that our Lord’s protection and grace is sufficient, even for this.

    With loving concern from an older sister in Christ,
    Cris McLaughlin

  13. devon said

    i am so sorry….we’ve been in your shoes…having to let our twin boys go…there are no words to say. just know you have our prayers tonight….may god hold you all close…

  14. Diane Kolb said

    You have had the chance to hold that little life in your hands and to grow in your love for him. You and Kelly have made a courageous decision and no matter how hard it is, you are allowing Joshua to no longer be in pain. God will give him so much love and take such care of him. One day you and Kelly will join him again. My thoughts and prayers have not stopped, nor will they in the days to come.

  15. margaret said

    As a mother who also made the heart wrenching decision to remove my son from life support, I want you to know that I am praying for your peace of mind. It is the toughest decision anyone could make out of love, to let go of what WE want and to put an end to the suffering of one we love so much. There DOES come a time where our want to hang on becomes selfish and causes suffering, in our case, being able to hold our son while he passed away, surrounding him with our love was far better than pushing for more surgeries when all the odds were against us. I’m so sorry Joshua has suffered and that you now must decide to remove him from life support, it’s a pain that no parent should ever have to face. If you want to read our story, please feel free to stop by my blog. Praying for you all…

  16. Gayle Geer said

    For Jeff, Kelli and Mary ~

    I am thanking God for the gift of little Joshua in your lives, and the gift of you all in Joshua’s life. I can tell from your writings this has been a remarkable, transforming experience and you are mightily blessed during the storms. God is so wise and loving and it is obvious to me you are trusting Him to walk with you through this experience and give you strength, joy and that peace that passes all understanding. I pray your time with Joshua tomorrow as he prepares to join his heavenly Father is so very sweet. Joshua is so fortunate to have so many loving arms to pass him into his heavenly Father’s arms for eternity. God bless and keep you all.

    Love in Jesus,

    Gayle

  17. Barb Harger said

    Jeff and Kelli, you have been in my prayers since you found out Joshua would have problems. I am so sorry for what you are having to face now. We experienced the loss of twins while I was pregnant years ago, so I can somewhat understand what you are going through. God is with you as he was with me then. Hugs and kisses to your sweet baby boy and prayers for help and comfort. I am glad you have had a little time with Joshua before you have to say goodbye.

  18. Jennifer Tenney said

    Many prayers for comfort and peace. My heart and mind are with you all and Joshua.
    Hugs,
    Jennifer
    Mom to Dakota 12-25-2008

  19. Jeremy Adler said

    Hi Jeff,

    It sounds like you and Kelli are making the right decision, even thought the difficulty of it can’t be understood by most people. You said it is FOR Joshua…and that is the best decision any parent can do…make the choice in the best interests of their child.

    I can’t imagine how rough this time is for you, but you have my number and know that lots of people are thinking about you guys.

    Jeremy & Carrie Adler – Carter’s Parents

  20. Maria Campbell said

    I’ve been keeping up with little Joshua Levi and have become so attached to your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your beautiful family. I believe that God is merciful, loving and is good.
    “Fix our eyes on Jesus” Hebrews 12:2
    Know that you are good parents who did everything you could.I Have been so touched by your bloggs. I will be praying for you today. God Bless you.
    Maria Campbell

  21. Laura Spees said

    Jeff,

    I am deeply sorry to read about this. I pray that God will comfort you during this most difficult time. I as so glad that you both have had the past several days to spend with him and love on him. I cannot imagine what you are going through at this time. God is with you and guiding you every step of the way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Love to you all,
    Laura

  22. Sharon Gonzales said

    Jeff,
    I am your cousin although you really don’t know me, we are family.
    I have read your entries and have prayed since I first knew about the problems with the pregnancy.
    You are an amazing young man. You have touched so many with your sharing of Joshua. I am thankful that Kellie came through and pray for her as well.
    God bless your family!

    Sharon

  23. Sharon Gonzales said

    see above

  24. MoDLin said

    I am so very sorry little Joshua has had to struggle so hard. I am holding all of you in my heart and wishing you peace.

  25. LOL said

    I’m so sorry for your lost. I will keep your family in my prayers.

  26. Holly said

    Sending prayers during this very difficult time-something you shouldn’t have to face. I am praying for God to send his comfort over you. I’m so sorry.

  27. Stephanie said

    There are no adequate words, nor will there be. I have endured the death of my daughter (3/11/10) and will not even try to say ‘I understand’ your pain. But know you are not alone in this terrible world of parents who have lost a child.

    I am praying for you and hope that the moments that you hold your beautiful baby boy in your arms will live with you forever. Joshua will never be forgotten by me and I pray that those around (your support system) will never forget to speak Joshua’s name.

    You are wonderful parents and Joshua has felt your love for so long. Your love will go with him and he will take a piece of your fractured hearts to hold until you are reunited again.

    Stephanie (a mommy missing Amelia)
    http://www.carriedthroughgrief.blogspot.com
    http://www.beyondwordsdesigns.blogspot.com

  28. Michelle said

    I just found your blog and I am so sorry for all of this. This is something parents should never have to go through. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!

    {{HUGS}}

  29. Heather said

    I’m so, so sorry. (((hugs)))

  30. Lori said

    My prayers are with you. I am so, so, so sorry to read of this, but know living it as you are is just nearly unbearable. Lifting you up.

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