I Can’t Believe it

April 11, 2010

I can’t believe it has come down to this.  Joshua is deteriorating and won’t be able to make the surgery let alone a transfer to Cinci.  I know we are doing the right thing in letting him go but I can’t stop that overwhelming sense of protection.  I almost feel like it would be a violation of my job to protect.  Then again I am letting him go because I don’t want to see him suffer any longer.  He hasn’t given up but his body is the one that giving out on him.

I have a peace about it since I keep seeing them turn up the settings to keep Joshua’s body going.  Seeing this I know that there will come an end to what doctors can do.  But at what cost?  Joshua is the one laying on the table getting the treatment not us.  He is the one doing the suffering and going through the pain, not us.  Sure we will be left with the biggest hole that I will hopefully ever feel my whole life.  Sure Kelli and I will go through (and are currently going through) a very rough emotional time.  But Joshua is the one asked to do the actual pain and suffering.  Is that fair to him?  Sure it is if there was some benefit.  But we have little hope for Joshua that he will come out the other side.  With the huge step backward, he isn’t even a candidate for any surgery.  His lungs are continuing to get worse.  His heart has signs of getting sicker.  In these circumstances, what should a parent do?  We see Joshua before our eyes and he looks beautiful.  We see the mounting evidence of what is going on inside his body and we can’t believe our eyes.  He has changed our lives and he will always be a part of us.  We will make sure of that.  I guess we just love him too much to push him any further.  My honest opinion is that Joshua is not ready to give up.  He has one heck of a personality, very tenacious like the rest of the Campbell side.  But we know that his body is giving out on him.  We would much rather let him go in our arms, virtually pain free instead of in the middle of the night on a bed with only strangers around or worse, on the operating table or in recovery.  We want to surround him with love and give him back to God in a very peaceful manner.  If there were no hope of eternal life with God, we probably would be pushing Joshua to the max and putting him through all the surgeries because this would be the only chance at life.   But we know that he WILL be with God and will be pain free in a joyous place with no tears.  This makes letting him go a whole lot easier.  We don’t know what this life holds for us, whether it be 16 days or 90 years.  This fact has taught Kelli and I to live by the moments in life instead of by the business that life brings.  We have enjoyed this time with Joshua holding him and being his parents for the short time we have had him but these moments are something that no person can take away from us.  It’s these moments that we were meant to live.  It is these moments that teach us so much and grow us into the real person we were supposed to become.  We love you Joshua so much!  I wish we weren’t stuck in this position but we are very grateful that you have graced us with your presence!  Thank you my tough little man!

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14 Responses to “I Can’t Believe it”

  1. sheila said

    I am praying for your family and the difficult days,that lie ahead.Trust in the Lord,Joshua will feel no pain.

  2. Loretta Lamb said

    Praying for peace and comfort today as you release Joshua to God today. I can’t wait to meet him in heaven. Lots of love….

  3. Karen Celis said

    A testimony for Christ has been magnified through Joshua’s little life. As a grandma who recently went through this same horrible decision with my daughter and son-in-law, I know that prayer for you is the only thing we can all offer. Your family has been on our prayer board since the day Joshua was born, and your family will continue to be there for days to come. Christ offers the only comfort that can help you get through this most difficult time in your life, but you made the most unselfish decision for your son that a parent could ever make. Joshua will fly with the angels, on wings that will never fail. Our love and prayers are with you.

  4. Jenna Hilton said

    We had to make the same decision last September to let our daughter go. It is the hardest thing to do but like you say, he will be surrounded by love at that moment and never alone. My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you all x

  5. Candice Summers said

    Thanks for posting.

  6. Nicolle said

    ((hugs))

  7. Chris Condit said

    Hey guys. I can’t imagine what you guys are going thru right now, but I wanted to encourage you with something. After sharing your story with our students, many of them have talked with me about having faith in difficult times. Your words in your blog – “knowing God’s ways are perfect and holy” even with what you’re going thru, have truly challenged some of our kids. A few nonbelievers have even asked how you could feel that way – so God is using this to help further the Kingdom as only He could do.
    I think you guys are making a wise choice, as crushing & devastating as it is. Know you’re in our prayers – love you guys.

  8. Tracy Meats said

    (((HUGS)))…praying for you and your family.

  9. Becky St.Francis said

    I am so sorry that it has come down to this! I wish you comfort and peace as you and your family go through this hard time. Always remeber that you made the right choice for Joshua even at times when it doesnt seem that way. I will always be here if you guys ever need to talk. (((HUGS+PRAYERS)))

  10. CWeaver5485 said

    (((((((((hugs))))))))

  11. Paul Kent said

    The So. Cal Womens Retreat prayed for your family this weekend and we continue to uphold you all in our prayers. Your trusting the Lord through this situation and seeking His will is such a witness and encouragement to us all.

  12. I am so sorry to hear this news. I too lost my son Joel to CDH almost 4 years ago. Thoughts ,prayers and much love being sent to you and your family
    Debbie
    http://www.joelarchie.piczo.com

  13. Dear Jeff and Kelli,

    Our Lord is not going to tell me what to do in your loving situation But, as I read the last 2 updates on Joshua,my heart was at peace with your selfless decision to remove the medical equipment that is just barely keeping him alive and at a physical cost to your Little One and to you, too. It is time, through the grace of our Lord.

    Joshua first belongs to God and will be at home with our Heavenly Father ever waiting for you. He knows you and your love for him in every respect. This has also been a time of you sharing God’s love with the doctors and staff serving at the hospital, and all of us on the prayer list.

    Our hearts break with yours. We need to trust Him in ways that we never want to go through. God is good, and He is love–a heavy lesson of trusting Him.

    May you know how much you and Joshua are loved through your insightful, heart wrenching updates, by all of us–even more so by our Lord. I don’t know the “why” . . . . Only God does. Am praying for His peace and comfort for you all especially now.

    In His deep love,
    Kathie Park

  14. Kathy Cardy said

    Thank you for posting these very heartfelt and personal thoughts and feelings. As difficult as it is to read, I know it was much more difficult for you to write. I pray that you and your family will get through this very hard time and that you take comfort in the fact that little Joshua is no longer in pain and is in a much better place than all of us.

    You are in my prayers and thoughts
    Kathy Cardy

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