God has Rescued

April 13, 2010

God has rescued my son from his life that was bound for suffering and pain.  I am so thankful for the short 16 days we had with him although it seems like a bad dream or like this all happened 10 years ago.  It is strange the feeling that comes from leaving the private room in the NICU, then loading up the truck and leaving the hospital.  We both felt that this is not right to be leaving the hospital without Joshua.  He stayed there and we are supposed to move on without him.  I don’t know how that works but all I know is that it isn’t easy and it will continue not to be easy for a long long time.  As soon as Joshua passed away, the room felt so empty and cold.  The monitors were off which was weird in itself because alarms were constantly going off giving us almost no peace and quiet at any moment.  Out of the 16 days that Joshua graced this earth, we stayed at the hospital for 14 nights.  Only 2 nights we went home for some sleep and that was only because we had 2 nurses and 1 doctor tell us that we needed to go home to get some rest.  They must have seen the sheer exhaustion in our eyes.  That wasn’t until thursday and friday of last week that they basically made us go home.  I slept on a recliner for all 4 days that we had a private family room so that we could be close to him.  Also, I held him sunday morning from 12am to 7am and did not get a wink of sleep.  Just trying to memorize every little detail of him and to take in the awesome feeling of him on my chest skin to skin…trying to memorize feeling what it felt like to have him there because I knew that his time was soon coming to an end.  These things no one can ever take away from us and that is why I was just spending time with him.

This event in our lives is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through.  The hardest part for me was to finally actually go through with letting him go and then actually watch him go.  What breaks my heart over and over is seeing my wife grieve and some of the people that were around us for this very most intimate time.  We have the rest of the week to see this and that is what is going to be the hardest.  Even going through some of the morbid details has been so surreal.  I hear myself talking about this and that, talking with funeral homes and other stuff and I just can’t believe that it is me.  I guess some day it will really sink in that I actually have lost my son.

I’m not sure where to go from here but this is a redefining of my life as well as Kelli and Matthew.  We need to grieve our loss and then we need to honor Joshua’s memory.  We want to be able to be there for families that are in similar circumstances and we really want to spread CDH awareness in our area.  UNM is the only place in the entire state of NM that can handle CDH babies and they only see maybe 5-6 cases a year.  But that is 5-6 families that need support, resources and prayer and this is something that I want to do.  I don’t know what else God has planned for our lives.  He has already done so much and has revealed himself so many times to us throughout this crazy time that I cannot imagine the purpose.  All I know is that I am ready for whatever might come our way.  Kelli and I have been through so much over the past 2 years and we have realized that despite our best efforts to try and plan our lives, it has been ripped from us and shaped by the Almighty.

I am currently working out the details of a memorial and once I have something definite, I will announce it here.  It most likely will be wednesday or thursday.  Thank you for all your prayers and please continue to pray now for us as this is the most difficult time in our lives by far.


5 Responses to “God has Rescued”

  1. I wanted very much to offer my condolences to you and your family. Joshua has made a huge impact on more people than you can ever imagine, and that is largely in part to the honest and intimate blog that you have kept about his short life. I can only imagine the loss you are feeling now. While we came very close to losing our own son on several occasions during his 11 months in ICU, he somehow pulled through against all odds(he was born w/ Pentalogy of Cantrell which included CDH and giant omphalocele, and also suffered from PH). I remember several nights wondering if I was pushing too hard, being too selfish, making him suffer too much. It’s an experience none of us expects to have as a parent, and it is unreal when it happens to you.
    Again, I wanted to say that Joshua has touched me, and will remain in my heart as so many CHERUBS and O Angel babies have. I will never forget any of them, as they have truly impacted my life. I often think of a short story titled “The Brave Little Soul” by John Alessi. Somehow that helps me make some sense of why these babies endure all that they do, and I would recommend reading it if you have not already done so.
    You and your family will remain in my prayers, and thank you for sharing Joshua with us.
    ~Sarah (mommy to Aidan, 3 years old)

  2. Everyone at HMCG said

    Jeff and Kelli, Know that all 3 of you are being prayed for and thought of. God has blessed you with one another. and You both are such an inspiration to all of us. Trust in the Lord. may God bless you!

  3. diane d said

    Jeff and Kelli, I am so sorry for your loss but so glad that you got to spend such precious time with Joshua. My prayers continue to be with you.

  4. Becky St.Francis said

    I am so sorry for your loss, and I know how it feels to go through all this and nobody should ever have to let there child go. I have very hard days and days that I can taalk about Wyatt all day long and I have a big smile on my face. The memories will never go away. Im glad to hear that you guys got to hold Joshua and spend as much time with him as you could. He might have only been here for 16 days but in those 16 days he got to realize that he had the best parents that he could have. You guys are amazing people and we pray daily that you have peace with the decision that you made. If you ever need to talk or anything im here. Lots of love Becky

  5. God bless you and keep you all. Your sharing with us has helped us to know how to pray and to, prayerfully, share your feelings. It must take so much out of you to write, or does it help to “even out” some of the pain?

    Am praising our Lord that Joshua is, indeed, with Him.

    Kathie Park

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