This last week

April 24, 2010

Man, it is so strange the feelings that one gets when you have lost a baby, a part of yourself.  At times, I feel so guilty for letting him go and taking the machines away.  Other times I feel guilty for leaving him on those machines for so long.  It is a crazy roller coaster.  We decided to go to Colorado to get some much needed R&R and were going to leave on Tuesday of last week.  My grandparents have a very nice house in CO with a huge very nice basement, so we decided that this is where we wanted to go.  I got a phone call from my grandpa on monday night after they got home as they discovered that their basement was flooded while they were out visiting us in NM.  It had happened a couple days after Joshua passed away so the water sat in the carpet for a week before anyone had discovered it.  Needless to say, their basement was trashed and the renovations will take 2-3 weeks to complete.  I guess our plans changed.  Instead my aunt who lives just about 20 minutes from my grandparents decided she would be more than happy to house us for our stay.  So we left on thursday morning and have been in CO ever since.  Matthew has been teething like crazy and last night, I was up half the night rocking him because of his pain.  At least we are being sufficiently distracted to not be dwelling on the fact that our Joshua is gone from us.

Before we left, every little thing was setting me off.  The stupidest things really but nonetheless they got me going.  I opened a package of adhesive remover that we had gotten from the NICU and was cleaning something off and I lost it.  That was the stuff that they used when they were changing his tape and one of the last things we smelled when they removed the tape off his mouth for the final time.  I didn’t realize that this is what I was smelling until I innocently opened a package.  Crazy.

Seeing other babies is super hard or even hearing about them.  It takes my mind right back to Joshua and that void that feels so real.  And of course, babies have been everywhere in front of us just driving the pain deeper.  I am lost without him and don’t know what to do with my life.  It feels like I am aimless and yet I have all these responsibilities.  It is a strange feeling.  I sometimes feel like I am going to explode, I sometimes feel like I am withering away.  I will get hit with opposing emotions all the time and I have no idea how to handle them.  Weird stuff.

Anyway, it has been good to get away from NM and great to see some actual green foliage.  I didn’t realize how much I missed green grass until we left to come here.  That fact kind of makes me laugh.  I thank everyone for all the cards, gifts and especially the prayers throughout this crazy time in our lives.  It almost feels as though all this was just a bad crazy dream except I am reminded that it was reality everyday.  It has already been 13 days that Joshua has been gone.  He was in the NICU for 16 days and I just can’t believe that we are already separated by that much time.  Thanks everyone for listening to me and putting up with my ranting blogs.  Hopefully this stuff will actually benefit someone that is or will be (I’m so so sorry) going through similar events.

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5 Responses to “This last week”

  1. nicolle said

    Where in CO are you? I hope that you get some R&R, take it easy and it will take time. There will always be things that will remind you of Joshua, dont ever feel guilty. Thinking of you and your family. ((hugs))

  2. loretta lamb said

    I gotta say….I LOVE your blog. It is so transparent, so real and really edifying. You show us that its okay to grieve, to be angry, to feel lost, etc. Keep on expressing yourself…it helps you through this and helps us to grow as well. I hope you’re having a wonderful time in CO and I hope you’ll have a thunderstorm or two and see a rainbow. Lots of love, Loretta

  3. Kristy said

    Still checking in on you guys everyday. Still have nothing to say that will lessen your pain or make everything ok. Just want you to know that your in our thoughts daily!
    Sending you virtual hugs…..:)
    Kristy

  4. diane said

    It’s good that you rant and get it all out here on your blog. This is a safe place to let it all out. I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. (((((BigHugs)))))

  5. alyssa said

    found your blog because your mom is subbing in my son liam’s class today. we got to talking as she was looking at our 6 mo old son and she shared with me about your very recent loss and i shared with her about ours. our sydney was stillborn at 31 weeks almost two years ago and i told her i knew right away where you might be right now today with the acute pain and overwhelming grief…i am so very sorry for your loss. grief knows no stranger so i felt like i should offer you my thoughts and prayers and an empathetic head nod to “i get it”, i do….it’ so hard. through my blog i wrestled very honestly and rawly with my emotions and questions to God and have found many others who “get it” as well., it was so freeing to get it out there and out of my head and heart. to rant and rave and cry, very therapeutic. i hate hearing of another parent with empty arms, but i wanted to share with you that you are not alone. praying comfort and peace for your family in the coming days and months…for now, just keep taking it day by day, or hour by hour is what i had to…breathe in and breathe out. that’s all if need be. praying you feel God’s supernatural presence somehow today, in the smallest detail, in a way that gives you hope that you are not alone. that He is carrying you through this storm….here should you guys need to talk…

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