The past week

May 1, 2010

We got back from CO on thursday last week.  We decided to head home a little early because of many different reasons but mainly because Matthew just wasn’t sleeping well and was not acting himself.  It has helped tremendously to be home.  He has been sleeping through the night again and has been a much better boy.  He has a nasty sounding cough and is a little warm today but it is just left overs that won’t let go that he had in CO.

I am heading back to work on Monday.  I have been scared to go back simply because I am not sure how I will handle it.  Also, everything in my life is completely upside down ever since we lost Joshua and I don’t even know what to do or how to do them.  I know I need to pick up the pieces but where do I start and what do I pick up.  Important things before seem meaningless now.  I also know that well before we even knew we were going to have Joshua, we are in a heap of financial troubles.  Hence the reason we moved out of CA to come here and are currently living with my uncle (who has been absolutely awesome).  It is just tough because we were already in a horribly draining situation even before Joshua.  Now that Joshua has come and gone (and left a huge gaping hole in both mine and my wife’s hearts) we are still stuck in this stupid financial situation with no end in sight.  It makes this insane situation that much harder.  It still pains me to think that we didn’t even have any room for Joshua even if he had been able to come home.  All I know is that I want to run away but I know that this is just not possible or right.  I have a responsibility to both Kelli and Matthew and that includes working.  So, even though I am not necessarily ready for work, my responsibilities say to get back so that I can keep them fed and clothed.  Hopefully it will be a welcome distraction and I can again excel at my work.

Emotions over this whole thing are not as crazy as they first were.  Now my mood changes happen daily instead of every 5 stinking minutes.  Some days I do ok but others, just little things like smells will put me back in the NICU.  Most of the time it feels as though all this was just a bad dream or a horrible story someone told me but then I get sent back in the NICU and I get hit with the reality that my son is dead and has been dead longer than he was alive (it will already be 3 weeks tomorrow).  The hardest part lately is watching Kelli break down.  She is so fragile and her heart is so broken that I don’t even know what to do or say.  This is my wife whom she relied on emotionally for the past 5 years of marriage and I know her very well.  But this loss is so hard to explain and understand that I am at a loss for how to comfort her besides just being there and holding her.  Heck, I don’t even know what to say to myself.  I have been in my own head a lot lately and have been trying to run away from it with little distractions such as video games and movies and such.  I realize that it will hit me like a brick wall again somewhere down the line and I really am scared for that day.  When the pain hits, it is so completely brutal that you physically hurt and your arms actually long for Joshua.  It is the weirdest feeling but I can still feel Joshua on my chest just laying there.  I know I will never have that experience again and it is devastating.  I hope my explanations are clear but really it is so much more than these words I write.

Someday soon I am going to put up a whole bunch of information about Joshua’s condition, his xray photos of his chest, the official letter from UNM, the second opinion I received from Cincinnati just recently, and some other stuff.  I have been building a case in my mind of how much UNM gave up on him.  It is becoming more and more evident with the facts that I have been collecting.  There is some information that I haven’t even had the chance to put up here that will kind of shock people because it shocked me and I almost lost it when I found out.  I’m not quite ready to share but I will very soon.  These facts don’t change a thing because Joshua was just a sick boy and in the end, he would never have made it through even the first surgery as it was.  Lets just say that instead of going after UNM, I want to help them see their blunders so as to avoid this in the future.  I want to help turn them into Cincinnati or CHOP or UCSF.  There is no reason why this can’t be.  But for now, I am definitely not ready for any of this.  I am very volatile and I know that if I got even close to UNM that I would probably lose it.  Just the familiar surroundings of work I am a little afraid to go back to.  I was even afraid to go back to my uncle’s house or even NM at all.  I have had some people actually come across as shocked to see me here again.  Don’t get me wrong, the first response to something like this is to run away.  But also I am mature enough to realize that this will not solve any problems and indeed make them worse.

Sorry I have slowed down on my writings.  I need to get this stuff out more often but I guess instead of dealing the feelings, I have been trying to run away.  I don’t know why but sometimes it seems the easiest thing to do at the time.  I don’t even really mean to but it is almost like a natural response.  I became conscious of this last night and hence the reason I am on here now.  Thank you all for the phone calls and comments and gifts.  This has been wonderful to know that there are so many people that are supporting us.  I am not nearly the grumpy grouch that I was earlier.  I was hyper emotional and so people would say stuff and I would get annoyed or offended but also I would realize that they are just trying to help.  That in itself is weird.  This whole thing has been that kind of battle where emotions say one thing but your intellect says another and it is a constant fight to see which one wins over.  It actually takes a lot of will power to overcome some of this.  It is simply insane.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  Thanks for everyone who has supported both Kelli, Matthew and myself.

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4 Responses to “The past week”

  1. Berta said

    I continue to read your blogs and to think about your family everyday. I have been blessed by your writings and your faith and love for God and your family. I am sure that at sometime another family will go through somewhat the same thing and that they will find strength by reading your blogs.I also believe that it is very good for you to release some of your feelings. God bless you and your family,and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

  2. Beth brown said

    Keep going. Its a struggle, and I am glad you have the courage to go back to work. I think the distraction will be wonderful. However, don’t put too much of yourself into it to escape. That is a very dangerous path that some fathers take.

    Thing will work out. Just focus. And one day you will look back that think, how in the world did I do that, and be grateful you made it through.

  3. nicolle said

    I understand your whirl wind of emotions. We had the same feelings, I would suggest talking about it with Kelli as often as you feel you need to, it might be the same conversation over and over. You feel you need to be strong, but don’t block out your emotions deal with them now. My husband didn’t and it made things really hard on our relationship finally (about 8 months after Kasey died) he allowed himself to deal with it and I think he felt more as peace. I am glad that you have a place to stay with your uncle. Going back to work will help your mind, does Kelli work? If not I hope she will keep herself busy with Matthew. Sending love to your family.

  4. diane said

    My heart aches for you and Kelli. I continue to pray. And I pray Matthew gets back to himself and gets over his cold.

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